The key thing I've learned this week is that safety really matters when it comes to difficult conversations, especially those involving multiple people, higher stakes, diverging opinions, and rising emotions.

What sometimes happens in such conversations is that the energy in the room goes sideways. People either fight to be heard, strong-elbowing their way into the conversation, or they retreat into silence and observation. None of that seems like a healthy contribution to the dialogue.

I'm starting to see the importance of focusing not just on the content of the discussion, but on the condition of the discussion itself. The book Crucial Conversations opened my eyes to how important it is to observe that safety. Many of the problems I see seem related to the absence of safety and the conditions where people feel free to speak honestly.

I'm beginning to see that one of the key conditions for safety is to have enough time and space for these conversations to unfold, along with a facilitator willing to observe that space. Last weekend, I unexpectedly found myself in a two-hour personal sharing circle. People shared their parenting struggles and the impact of parenting on their relationships. It took time for people to start feeling comfortable and for the discussion to unfold. After two hours, we had reached deeper levels. However, we were forced to stop, because the time was up.

Last week, I spoke to the CEO of a 200-person SaaS company. He shared that his leadership team struggles to take a step back from the daily whirlwind, to pause for a moment, and have a slower, more deliberate conversation about where the company is heading. There's a sense from the leadership that such discussions are inefficient because the time spent in the discussion isn't spent on solving urgent problems. The discussion doesn't feel like progress.

Perhaps that is true in the moment. But what we both agreed on is that those slower, deeper conversations, with the focus on safe expression of opinions, could prevent dozens of problems down the road.